apparently the secret to your success is patron
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
