Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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