This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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