I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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