Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
