Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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