I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
