i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
