Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
