News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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