Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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