Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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