I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
