youre lurking in front of me
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
