I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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