1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
