Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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