i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
