Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
