Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
