this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
