I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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