weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
