Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
