The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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