gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
