Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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