I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
