I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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