The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
