I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
