Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
porn star boner night. come get it.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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