she woke up with a sticky ear
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
not ubering you a puppy
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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