Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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