You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
