why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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