You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
