worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My penis needs a shock collar
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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