I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize