Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
