I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
