I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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