11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
