I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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