My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
