i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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