is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
