20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
