You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
