Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
